Forgiveness........I give it a try

No, I wont give it a try. Im going for it or I will be reminded of my own words and reproved for not following my own counsel :

'Take the cup, hold it firm, drink deeply.'

TM, I forgive you!

I forgive you for thinking that marriage was a competition and used every opportunity to belittle your wife. Man I tell you, I have met some wrecks in my life but the job you did on her takes first prize. I wonder she ever found the strength to divorce you.

But divorce she did and that's when I met the lady with self-esteem so low that she almost had to ask if it was her own face she could see in the mirror.

The first date I had with her, when finished, I went to get the car and found someone had double-parked. It took ten minutes to sort out but when I got back she was crying. She thought I had gone without her and didn't know what to to. A twelve year old could have coped with that. A woman with four children I would have expected to be mightily p*****d with me and just dealt with it.

Every good decision we make 'tends' to the better results. Few decisions produce the perfect 'black/white' solution. It must have taken years to develop the art of successfully blaming her for every good decision she made, when you let her make them.

The magic words for anyone in doubt :

'Yes you can do it'

'But what if it goes wrong?'

'That's what I'm here for.' Trust me, the results can be amazing and if it fails, help them up and start again.

I can forgive you for all that because it gave me the chance to watch a very capable and intelligent woman grow. You will never know how good a feeling that gives.

She got her first bank account at the tender age of 40. And yes, even after showing her how to balance it, she screwed up and overdrew. And again, and again but less each time. Then the last time she said that the overdraft was the gift she just bought me.

Hoisted by my own petard but I didn't care.

So I guess the forgiveness should be a thank you. You have no idea what you missed.

Oh yes, I forgive you for the pile a debt you left her. How did you manage it friend? I mean, if she was so stupid, how come all the utility accounts were in her name alone? The electricity bill alone cost me a months salary and I was making a lot at the time.

Then the bad stuff started. Cant say I can pretend to understand why a personable, bright and often charming man like you didn't go out and find someone else. But there you are. Bit like those social retards that watch porn.......sooooo sad.

Your expressions of affection to your children were open and everyone close stopped noticing. I would not have noticed except Id been trained to see. There had been doubts previously but then, there it was, right in front of me. Just a gesture and I knew. You knew as well and we stared eye to eye for a full minute while you silently poured out the truth.

Social Services reacted quickly and declared that your 13 year old daughter was still a virgin and there was no evidence of 'interference'. My god! Those people have a lot to learn. But at least I now understood why your dear-ex was close to obsessive about keeping the apartment clean, why her few friends seemed so guarded when I came in (and thought it might be you) and why the kids never seemed to want to bring their friends home. I didnt then but I do now. So clearly that its scarey.

Social Services thought I was an idiot of course but I cant say I was too impressed with them either. Funny how you modified your behavior after that, in front of me at least.

Then your sweet little 13 year-old daughter gets a stomach upset in the form of pregnancy.

You went berserk. If they ever give out Oscars for the kind of act you put on then I will nominate you myself. There was no one else was there? We all knew that because you never let them out of your sight and you disapproved of all their friends. You even got her to make up a 'boyfriend' on a holiday romance. Well it would have been an extended holiday for the boyfriend, courtesy of the government, if it were true. Minimum of ten years in fact.

A child's loyalty and love are hard-coded. No compromise. Mum and Dad, right or wrong. You took advantage of that fact from the start. We all knew but we could not prove. Even Social Services knew. That's why she came to stay with us.

Why TM? That was a really dumb thing to do. Its not for me to forgive you for that but I cant begin to understand something most of us would rather cut our own throats for, before doing.

A pregnant woman is a frightened woman but the joy she can feel overshadows it. Being supportive helps as well, helps a lot. A pregnant wife makes me worry but Id never betray that fear to her.

So what do you do with a pregnant 13 year old? Frightened? Damn right she is. You can see it in her eyes. She knew what would happen when that DNA test was performed yet she was still loyal to you in your lie. And scared for herself? Do I need to answer that?

So what was I to do TM? Do I walk up to her with a big smile, put one hand on her shoulder, one on her tummy and say 'How are you both today?' I was doing it to your ex becasue she was carrrying our son as well. Thats right friend, two pregnant women in the house. Next time I will take a holiday........in Bagdad.

I will take the can 100% for your ex's condidtion. We wanted that child and we both knew the score and the terretory. She had four already and my three were all grown up.

You can have no idea of the tentions and complications and the jealosies and the simple out and out fatigue that period brought. Moods changing at the drop of a hat. You might have told me that your ex turns in to a footballer when pregnant.......I was black and blue man. No problems though. You learn to see the signs and who the h*ll needs sleep anyway?

What got to me was hearing your little girl sobbing in the next room and me having to wake your ex up to go comfort her. Why couldnt I go? Now, let me see : Stepfather in the same bedroom as his pregnant step daugher in the night..........you have any idea what a girl with a chip on her shoulder can do with that? And she had one big chip on her shoulder.

You learn why a baby cries. Hungry, uncomfortable, angry, hot, wants attention. Crying is a release, a means to communicate what we cant otherwise express.

This was not a release. It was the sound of the whole world dropping on her shoulders.

It was horrible I tell you. I wish I had recorded it so I can send you a copy.

But I forgive you because I have learned how important it is to be there for my wife to remind her that her best friend is there and 'everything will be ok and Im scared witless as well but Im not telling you that becasue you will get scared and I dont think I can cope with you being scared becasue you are the most precous things in my miserable life and I need all the support I can get right now because 'superman' aint so hot when it comes down to it and Christ!, I wish you didnt think I was so great sometimes because I know Im not and though I like being loved like this I dont think Im truly worth all this worship.'

Did you understand that TM? Did you ever feel that way yourself?

That little girl should have been playing on the beach with her friends. I should have been scaring her dates witless to get her home on time. (when she was old enough). I should have been able to take her out to dinner with her mum when she got the blues. I should have been able to demonstrate that adults are there to protect them from the world until they can see the dangers temselves. Kids are the same now as they were 1000 years ago. We just make them grow up too fast and fool ourselves they are brighter.

Well that much didnt happen for me. No huge loss I suppose. I didnt really want to spend my evenings worrying about her out with 'dates' anyway or all the other crazy stuff kids do to shorten parents lives. A minor loss by comparison. I forgive you.

Im unsure about the rest though but I have to move on I dont like this bitterness you see. Its eating me away and its not good.

They talk of the 'victim' in cases like this and the 'damage done'. Fact is TM, the damage was all done before that little girl got close to being pregnant. You refused to believe anyone could start to compare with you. That made anyone that stood in your way 'fair game' for destruction. You did a pretty good job on your ex. Its so easy to destroy people. Just turn every minor misdemeanor in to a disaster and keep reminding them of it for a few weeks or months or years. Then they start to believe it themselves, which is sad. You were married to an amazing woman. I believe that. I believed it enough to try and build her up again.

She shouted at me one day. Id done something to p*ss her off and she actually shouted at me.

I dont know who was the most shocked but I smiled at her expression : 'What have I done?' it said. Then she saw my smile and then she smiled and we laughed and embraced each other. That was an amazing moment, magic. She wasnt afraid of me or anyone else anymore.

I was loved by a 'whole' woman. Funny, I have to thank you again. Sorry also becasue Im not sure what you were getting.

As I said, kids are 'hardwired' to love their parents and Parents for their kids. Lose a partner and it hurts bad. Lose a kid and you get your heart ripped out.

What happened to your ex from that point was like seeing a cancer eat her mind away. It took a while to realise she had become alcoholic. Never drunk you see and I rarely drink myself. Then the anger when she woke up in the night, half drunk and thinking I was you. I hid the knives after that. Then she stopped hiding the bottles.

Then finding her asleep on the lawn and in the rain. Then hiding the car keys and her finding them and vanishing (drunk of course) . There are places in the city I didnt know existed you know. Didnt have time to have a good look when searching for her. Maybe I will go back one day.

Then it got too dangerous to leave her with our son and......well, you know the rest.

They let her out of the clinic from time to time apparently. Usually long enough for her to buy alcohol and get picked up by the police.

I guess you could say she cracked when she was asked what her relationship was to her daughters new baby. Im not sure what yours is.....Father? Grandfather?

She is gone and so is my son.

But I think I can forgive you TM. I have left the 'queue for vengence' because there are a whole load of people in it up ahead and its not going to bring her back anyway. You will never know the value of the things you destroyed and this healing is beyond me.

I think the real loss was yours. It was all in your hands and you didnt know.

Loving someone is good but so is being loved. I have been there and want it again. I can forgive you becasue Im not afraid of it.